I think you know what I mean

2009-09-10T23:41:00.002-04:00

it was a year
ago when i walked out the door;
i've been trying
to throw away the
key
ever since...
(without success)

2009-08-26T22:07:00.001-04:00

It's not me,
it's you.
really. no joke.

emotive

2009-02-10T00:38:00.000-05:00

sometimes this life is too much....
or, am i not enough?

Introspection is for loners

2009-01-18T16:14:00.002-05:00

in the end, who am i really?
who are you?

Believe me....

2009-01-10T16:02:00.002-05:00

....this is how i feel

2009-01-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

Another year.
Another job.
Yippee.

2008-12-14T15:04:00.003-05:00

So, it's been five months and it appears that I'm no closer to having a job than I was five months ago, which, frankly sucks and would possibly suggest I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I should start wearing low-cut tops and short skirts?! At any rate, I'm poor and feeling claustrophobic and contemplating other avenues for my life. Here is a list of things I could possibly do in lue of a job (vote for your favorite!).

1) Join a branch of the military (My dad's suggestion since the day I graduated from college...hmmm)
2) Become a nun (I've always thought it would nice to not worry about doing my hair..it would also save me from those wasted minutes deciding what to wear)
3) Commit a crime (I could subsequently turn myself in and spend time in jail, which would mean I would probably be able to get a prison job as well as further my education for free...possibly learn a new language and some really important survival skills!)
4) Go back to school (and further into debt!)
5) Move back in with the 'rents (and back to Rochester, the land of no opportunity...hey, at least it's free!)
6) Join the circus (this one poses a problem...I don't really have any circus-like talents or freaky deformities...maybe I could be a spokesperson?)
7) Go on the road with Death Cab For Cutie (I've always wanted to be a band-aid and then maybe Ben would realize what he's been missing all along!)
8) Hitchhike around the country (....just yikes!)
9) Get myself kidnapped (this would free me of all guilt associated with not having a job... it's not my fault I'm chained to a bed and don't have the ability to search the internet for jobs, thank you very much) and last but not least:
10) Become a Gold-digger (seriously, I live in Arizona, how hard can it be to find a wealthy old man who has no one to share his wealth with? I could totally live off of that!)

I guess things could be worse and I should really be thankful for the fact that I am blessed enough to have family and friends who love me and put up with me (for the most part) and besides it's Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year, how can I possibly be depressed?! Especially when Santa is coming to town...who wouldn't be excited!!

Merry Christmas, Lovelies!

Musings

2008-11-10T23:15:00.004-05:00

So much and so little all at once:

First... new music inspiring and haunting me. If you are in need of tunes to keep you warm on these long winter nights, you can't go wrong with Rachael Yamagata's Elephants...Teeth Sinking into Heart. I can't stop listening to Elephants, Sunday Afternoon, Duet, and The Only Fault. Another new favorite of mine is the latest My Brightest Diamond album, A Thousand Shark's Teeth...beautiful and enchanting. Don't miss Ice and the Storm, Apples, Inside a Boy, and The Diamond. She has a totally unique sound that may take a little getting used to, but I promise it is so worth it!

I've been messing with light and shadow a little with my camera, nothing too super exciting, but I thought I'd share a photo from the other day. Thoughts?

If you are in need of a good book this winter and you have ignorantly or otherwise over-looked a gem of a writer (who hails from small town Indiana, don't hold it against her!) you MUST read The Solace of Leaving Early by Haven Kimmel. I read this book about 4 years ago when I lived in Florida and I get it out every year and re-read it...love it!

Last but not least..I'll leave you with poems...enjoy!

***ode to those who don't get along (or what marriage is really like?)***

we are children
who can't get along
knowing neither why nor how
and caring even less; we are siblings
where is our mother?
who with bated breath demands
commands us to our separate corners-
ending the war.
we have no mother:
we are grown.
we have only us-
missing love

***Great (or what I want marriage to be like)***

What would be great is this:
you and me holding hands
and the wind is blowing my hair
and you reach over and brush
the hair from my face.

And what would be great is this:
You and me laughing
and falling all over each other
because what I said was just so funny
like that night in your bed.

And what would be great is this:
The feel and taste of your lips against mine
and our breath lingering
and our mouths opening and closing
to a rhythm only we can feel

What would be great is this:
you and me
in our rocking chairs
holding each other closer than before
and repeating stories of when we were young
so long ago

Reflections

2008-10-29T23:45:00.003-04:00

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”

T.S. Eliot from "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

I love you, Peytie

2008-10-16T14:23:00.003-04:00

Dear Peyton,
You don't really know me, but I know you pretty well. And, it's kind of like we do know each other because I used to live in Indianapolis, really close to the RCA Dome where you used to play before they built Lucas Oil Stadium. I also worked in Greenwood, IN where I know you have a house...but you never came into the library to visit me, bummer. I also have sort of touched you because this one time my parents were at a Ghost Town in Arizona at the exact same time that Tony Dungy, your head coach, was there and my parents got to meet him and shake his hand. It's kinda like I was shaking your hand because I know that you must shake hands with Tony and I touch my parents hands sometimes...cool, huh?! Plus, one of my friends has this friend who was at a bar one time and you and your buddies came in to the bar after one of your football games and he gave you a high-five! So, we are practically best friends! (that guy also said that you had really soft hands...is that a QB thing or something?!)
Anyway, I'm writing you this letter because I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I'm not able to see very many of your games this year. You know how I used to live in Indy? Well, now I'm living in Phoenix, AZ and apparently more people in Indy watch the Colts than they do in Phoenix, which is super disappointing and I probably would have waited to move until after football season if I had been made aware of this situation. I did, however, get to watch the first game of the season on Direct TV Sports Package, but I have to tell you, friend to friend, that really wasn't one of your best games, I was a little upset with you and had to turn the game off before the end (which I've NEVER done in my life!). But anyway, I really hate that I don't get to watch you ever Sunday. I do sit in front of my computer watching the play-by-play, but frankly I don't really understand it and it's a little more difficult to follow than watching the actual game (do you think maybe you could explain it to me over coffee sometime?!). Also, I don't get to watch you throw the ball, which is really the highlight of the game in the first place. Do you think you could maybe talk to the broadcast people out here and convince them to show more Colts games instead of the stupid Bears?! (I don't really hate the Bears, I threw that in because of how badly they beat you in the first game.) The good thing is, though, that I can see some of the game replayed when I'm working out at the gym because every TV is on ESPN...it's really the only reason I go!
Well, I just wanted you to know that I was really impressed with your style last Sunday. You must be feeling much more confident now since your surgery. I'm sorry I didn't send you a card or flowers when you were in the hospital. I didn't find out about it until the first game.
Anyway, keep up the good work, because I will be paying attention to the games and I know you don't want to disappoint me! Say hi to Ashley for me. I heard that you two might be getting a divorce? Please tell me that's just gossip. Can't wait to hear from you!

Your's Truly,

Heather

Not just a little funny

2008-10-16T02:45:00.002-04:00

I was reading a blog this afternoon and found this video that is so completely hilarious and needs to be shared! But people, really, who's the genius who decided it would be a great idea to get married over a pool in the first place?!

I hope you know what you are doing

2008-10-10T17:49:00.004-04:00

I'm a little confused. I don't really understand finances that much, but it's hard to avoid the fact that our market is not doing so well in the money department...mainly because I can't watch SNL without being forced to see a skit about politics or money...geesh, the nerve! For some of us, Ignorance is Bliss, and I watch TV for entertainment, not for education... can I get an Amen?!* Seriously, someone should get this situation under control, because my IRA is loosing money.
Apparently, if we are to believe politicians, Obama and McCain both have a plan to get us out of this mess, which I'm ALL for... I just want to go back to watching funny stuff on TV again... so boys, I hope you know what you're doing, because I can't take much more of this!

Anyway, in honor of this horrible financial crisis, I have a funny comic to share with you, once again thanks to Married to the Sea. Those kids are just so funny!

marriedtothesea.com

And remember, if you think this is bad, just wait.

*I'm not actually serious!

It's just a way of life

2008-10-06T13:51:00.005-04:00

So, I have to admit it.. I'm a mix tape kinda girl! I remember making mix tapes for my friends when I was in middle school, I'd even have a little personalized message at the end telling them how great a friend they were! As I got older, though, I stopped making mix tapes for other people (no one really liked or understood the kind of music I was listening to) and started making them exclusively for myself. They were, in a way, a documentation of what I was going through in my life at the time; some people keep journals, some people scrapbook, I make mix tapes! Being that music plays a ginormous role in my life, it's only fitting that during such a tumultuous time in my life: being broke, jobless, dogless, homeless, and in a foreign world; and this country's life with all the economic unrest, I have complied the 'ultimate' Mix Tape! Lucky for you I have decided to share it! I hope the sounds and words soothe your soul!

1) Can't Believe It by T-Pain
2) Hurt You by The Sounds
3) You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows
4) Foundations by Kate Nash
5) Title and Registration by Death Cab for Cutie
6) The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
7) Can't Go Back Now by The Weepies
8) It's a Hit by Rilo Kiley
9) House of Cards by Radiohead
10) Read My Mind by The Killers
11) Paper Planes by M.I.A
12) Ghosts by Laura Marling
13) Young Folks by Peter Bjorn and John
14) Intervention by Arcade Fire
15) America by Simon and Garfunkel

Maybe this is what we were thinking all along

2008-10-04T20:18:00.000-04:00

It has been overcast and a cool 85 degrees for the past couple of days; excellent fall weather, at least for the desert, and perfect for reflecting my melancholy mood. I love overcast days when the sky grows angry and dark, like an irate father, and tricks me into believing it might shower down furious and violent daggers of rain and lightning. The clouds grow so pregnant with moisture. They carpet the sky, absorbing sound and speed, it seems. Everything is slower and gray and brilliant, oh so brilliant! The earth is holding its breath, and in a way, so am I. It is a welcome change from the excruciatingly hot days in the Arizona sun, not that I’m complaining, because I really do love the sun and the heat, but as Adam Durwitz sings, sometimes ‘I’d like to wash this sunny day down to the gutter’.

This weather is comforting, like being wrapped in a worn and familiar blanket and snuggling close to the one you love; and deliciously dizzying, conjuring up memories of hay rides and corn mazes and bonfires and sweatshirts and runny noses and football games and first kisses and cold apple cider….I love it. It makes me nostalgic for years and memories when I was younger and innocent and full of wonder…believing that the world and people where nothing if not full of love and understanding and hope. Taking me back to a time when it was easy to believe that possibilities were endless and responsibility was nil unless it involved making my bed and washing behind my ears…but, alas, life has a way of growing us into beings who are cynical; teaching us that being vulnerable is dangerous and believing in goodness is perverse. I think, though, it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m learning that it’s cynicism and a lack of vulnerability that is damaging, that not believing in goodness only causes my heart to ache.

I’m not sure how the weather brought me to contemplating the condition of my heart, but are you really surprised? I mean, this is me you’re reading.

On a lighter note, the other day I woke up and walked outside with my cup of coffee and in less than a minute a nasty, hateful bee flew down and stung me on the lip. What was that about anyway?!

So long, dear friends! Remember to trust your instincts and when something seems wrong, it probably is… and watch out for those pesky bees, you never know where they might sting next!

Interview questions we hate

2008-10-03T15:24:00.004-04:00

It's no secret I have been looking for a job for the past, eh, three months or so, and FYI,looking for a job sucks. But what sucks even more are those retarded interview questions! You all know the ones I'm talking about: 'How would you describe excellent customer service?' 'Tell me about yourself' 'Tell me about a time when.....' and the absolute dreaded question 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years'. I always get tripped up on this question because where I honestly want to see myself in 5 years is laying on the beach with my Latin lover sipping cocktails and planning my next international trip, but I don't really think that answer will fly! So, what do you say? I never really know and I make something up at the time that involves the words: advancing, successful, your company. So, really, how are you supposed to answer that question? Tips anyone?! Anyway, I found this comic today when I was reading through the funny and politically incorrect Married To The Sea website and I thought it was perfect and I think I'm probably going to use this line in my next interview just to see if the employer can take a joke. Hey, don't they say that not only are you the interviewee, you're also the interviewer? I have to know that the company that I may potentially be working for will fit my personality!! So, for all of you who know where I am coming from, enjoy!! And remember, the truth might be hard to take, but ultimately, it's what you gotta hear(or speak).

marriedtothesea.com

p.s. I think after I say 'vacation approved' I'm going to add the word 'bitches'! Gets 'em every time!

Welcome friends and lovers

2008-09-29T16:32:00.004-04:00

I have been gone from this blog for a long time, for many reasons only a few of which are contained in the following: no one reads what I write, I haven't had much to say, I've been deeply caught up in transition. But, I'm hear to make everyone aware that I am coming back! Yeah! I'll start off this post with a new poem that I wrote just today while contemplating the meaning of life in my new favorite coffee house in my new favorite downtown!

Coffee House Blues

Today I am yellow and blue all around
and I'm thinking of you and the love that I've found
and the ways that I'm wrong and the ways that I'm right
and the emptiness I feel when I'm alone at night.
Maybe it's good and maybe it's bad
but I want you to want me and in the wanting I've had
more thoughts than I can think
and more tears than I can cry
of the hope and despair
that love must let fly.

(It's only in the wanting
that I'll let these things out
It's only that I love you
and I'm filled with such doubt.)

Find inspiration today in the little things and remember, Love Conquers All!

You're a Liar

2007-10-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

it's this heart i don't trust-
beating erratically in my chest
tricking me into belief
and then proving false at each turn.

I despise you heart;
Your deceptive fluttering
sending poison through my veins
disguised as life, love-
i am sick with your heresy.
you torture me endlessly
with you warmth
with your instinctive hope in goodness
which turns to darkness
and hate,
instantly.
you betray me.

it's this heart i don't trust.
but if not you,
than who?

California Dream'n

2007-09-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

when i'm upset, or i've had a really bad day; when i'm sinking into the mire of my life and feeling useless and insignificant, i dream of California.
i imagine what my life would have been like if I had i gone, like i had always imagined i would, to California for college. i imagine the people i would have met, the guys i would have dated, the water i would have surfed in, the body i would have been forced to maintain, the tan i would have sported year long. I wonder at the person i would have become had i moved into the world of the west coast. Would I have stayed all 4 years? Would i be married now, spending my evenings rocking a baby? Would I have stayed in California, be there now working as a photographer, or maybe a nurse? Would I love my job or would i hate it, the same as i do now?
it's easy, when i'm discouraged about where life has taken me, to believe that my life would be fantastically different if i had moved to California. And maybe it would be. Or maybe it would be the same, or worse. does our location determine our situation?
regardless, tonight i wish for the long sunsets and sandy beaches of southern California.... it's been one of those days.

Outta Here

2007-06-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a LONG break from my blog... so sorry to all of you adoring fans who love my rants and my bad poetry... you won't be hearing from me for a very long time! Have a happy summer!!

purple elephants

2007-05-30T11:42:00.000-04:00

tonight feels like a dream:
the air, so thick it feels like a cushion,
muffles the voices around me.
the sweet taste of pineapple
and alcohol roll around in my mouth
and i am laughing.

the sun is setting
and my dress is sticking to the seat
and a breeze comes through the door
and evaporates the sweat from my arm.
we are talking:
about relationships, about life,
about the boy in the chair next to us,
making plans
we are laughing.

the crowd is growing
we are losing time
and the room is dark and cool,
and we are excited in anticipation.
i want to close my eyes
and drink it all in.

his voice is gravely and low,
his jeans ripped at the knee,
his arms support his tool-of-the-trade-
he is our entertainment
and i listen-transfixed.
because to me,
it is more than music
more than words he sings.
they are memories
documenting a year of my life-
a year of confusion
and hurt
and love
and heartache: with you.
just like a dream.

oh, just cry me a river!

2007-05-29T14:24:00.000-04:00

*nightmares*

a part of me can never forget:
especially tonight
when the wind, blowing through my window
caught me off guard
and with my eyes closed
and breathing deeply the scent
there he was,
plain as day.

i don't think God meant it to be like this:
where memories are like nightmares
or open scabs,
and the vividness steals sleep
and the ghosts linger in the stillness
whispering deceit.
no- i don't think He meant that.

*loud*

it's the silence that screams the most-
that wakes me up early
and whispers to me late;
it dances around me like a nymph
taunting me with closed lips;
and rings in my ears
'til i'm deaf.
the silence
stopping me dead in my tracks
playing tricks with my mind
i can hear it so loud.

Across The Night

2007-05-29T00:40:00.001-04:00

nothing makes me think of you more :)

Bright Eyes

2007-05-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

Still one of my very favorite songs... makes me happy!!

Underwater

2007-05-24T09:20:00.000-04:00

last night i had a dream:
i was talking to you
in despair-
you were listening.
and lying on my bed
everything went dark
and i couldn't speak
and water began rising around me.

i was drowing
and you were asking:
"what would make you happy?"
i couldn't speak-
i was drowning.
but i was breathing
and my voice was quite
and i wanted to recite a list of happy things.
i was sinking underwater,
in darkness
i was afraid.

Above me
i saw dim light
and fish were swimming around me
under and above me
and i was clutching the phone,
but i was silent
and you were gone.
and the fish swam around and through me
and it was dark
and i was scared.

i closed my eyes
breathing slowly underwater
i was alone
with fish
and throughts of what would make me happy
and then i was gone.

Job Hate

2007-05-23T21:47:00.000-04:00

do you ever just really absolutely hate your job? let's start a club... it can be called "the perfect job club" and all we do is sit around talking about what would be the perfect job... obviously not the one i currently have, because i totally hate my job... absolutely, positively, no doubt about it. (i hope my boss isn't reading this)

In Print!

2007-05-21T12:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, so not really in print, but on the internet in a real e-magazine!! I have an article published floating out there in the world of cyberspace! This is total excitement for me!!! Here is the link: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god_article.php?id=7357 If you pay attention to my blog at all, you'll recognize it as a post I had last year :)

unrequited

2007-05-19T16:55:00.000-04:00

he had all kind of reasons

why she was unable to love him

she was just too young

she was too high strung

she was afraid of commitment

but all of the theories

that he recited

played like the song

of the unrequited

baby, how long's it been now

since you held me to your chest

and told me that you love me

more than all the rest

it's such a shame that you won't talk to me

cuz i won't repeat after you

i believe that there is more to life

we coulda loved each other through

but i was afraid of commitment

when it came to you

i'll tell you, if there is one instinct

i just can't get with at all

it's the urge to kill something beautiful

just to hang it on your wall

are you just too young

are you just too high stung

to actually follow through

on all the love you said you had

baby, i never lied to you

is all or nothing

the best we can do?

~ani difranco

Africa

2007-05-17T17:00:00.000-04:00

Ok.. Coolest thing ever! I was reading through a newsletter from my grad department about events and opportunities and I scanned past an article about some person from the IU Medical School at Indianapolis taking a trip to this college in Kenya called Moi. I thought it was interesting, so I read through it and apparently the IUPUI University Library has started an initiative with the University Library at Moi, which I think is really cool. So, as I continue to read, I notice that they mention the possibility of doing a staff exchange with staff at Moi and UL. So, now I'm really super excited! I don't work at UL or anything, but still it's cool! So, at the end of the article it gives the name and email address of the Development Coordinator at IUPUI Library and says to contact her if there are any questions. I don't think much of it until later on in the day I started thinking about internships. And, suddenly I thought: how cool would it be to do an internship in Africa?!?! So, I sent an email to the woman named in the article and asked if there were any ideas for internships with the Moi library. She emailed be back today and said that there weren't any at this present time, but the possiblity was there. She asked me to send her my resume and she would keep me posted about opportunities that might arise!! Now, I know that this is really a shot in the dark and the chances of me actually doing in internship in Africa are probably pretty slim, but still... how incredible would that be!? Dream with me, people!! Spending 2 or 3 months in Africa would be the most amazing thing that could happen!!! Keep your fingers crossed :)
Here is the link to the library: http://www.mu.ac.ke/library/index.html.

What's Your DNA?

2007-05-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

Try this out! Click on "Get your own visualDNA" and have fun :)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Like a Child

2007-05-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

Whenever I happen to be home and visiting my Grandmother, there is one story she continues to tell, without fail. It’s a story about when I was just a little girl and I would swing on the swings with my sister. One day we went to the park and as I was swinging I started belting out a song from Annie: “Tomorrow, Tomorrow I love ya tomorrow”. I repeated that line over and over as I flew high into the trees and I can imagine I had my eyes closed and a big grin on my face; passionate oblivion! My sister however, according to my Grandmother’s rendition, was equally passionate about getting me to stop singing and I’m sure her pale little face was growing redder by the minute at each failed attempt to silence me. Every time my grandmother tells this story I roll my eyes and blush a little as though I’m embarrassed, but secretly I love to hear it.
When I was home for Mother’s day this past weekend, my Grandmother told the story again and I did my little eye roll and blush and tried to shrug it off, but this time I couldn’t and here I am, three days later, still thinking about it. And here’s why: I love that little girl. I love that she was so free and content and relaxed that nothing, not even an over-heated bigger sister, could hamper her joy. I love that it only took a swing and a song and the wind tickling her toes to make her feel alive.
It’s been a tough couple of months for me. Life has kind of been careening back and forth and I feel like I’ve hit some of my lowest lows. I’m a far cry from that bright-eyed girl on the swing professing her love for the coming day; instead I’m cynically cursing it. I suppose most all children are cheerful and enthusiastic about life and then change as they grow up, but I wish it wasn’t so. I long to be that carefree and innocent again, able to let problems and let-downs roll off my back, eager to take chances and embrace life as it comes. I want to shrug off the bitterness and anger and doubt and depression I have worn for too many years; they are ugly and cloud my judgment and weaken my resolve. I think that is why Jesus told his disciples, when they asked who would be the greatest in Heaven, that you must become like a little child: “I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.” Mat 18:3-4. Jesus knew that we mess things up as adults; that we become jaded and prideful and we lose sight of what really matters in life, but, He also has faith that we can change.
I think we all need more times in life when we remember what it was like to be a child. Whether it’s hearing an old story, playing with a child, swinging on the swings, or even helping Grandma bake cookies, it’s good to be intentional about finding that childlike spirit. I’m hoping that the more often I find that spirit the easier it will become to sustain it and then maybe, it won’t be too hard for me to love this big girl.

i guess it can't hurt to be shameless

2007-05-14T19:10:00.000-04:00

~I will be for you~

make me a fool
and i'll be one for you
if that will make you love me

make me a star
and i'll shine brighter than the sun
if that will prove my love

make me your slave
and i will be true to you
if that will make you trust me

make me your queen
and i will reign over your heart
if that will make me desirable

make me a tree
and i will stand tall and support you
if that will make you believe me

make me a home
and i will comfort you
if that will make me yours.

Linkin Park - What I've Done

2007-05-14T17:19:00.001-04:00

Have you heard the new Linkin Park?! I love this video and guess what? Their new album comes out tomorrow! Get excited!

2007-05-11T16:00:00.000-04:00

~Speedway

I get so nervous - I'm shaking
It's so I got no pride at all
It gets so bad but I just keep coming back for more
Guess I just get off on that stuff
I'm thinking about taking some time
I'm thinkin about leavin soon
I got some things I can't tell anyone
I got some things I just can't say
They're the kinda things that no one knows about
just need somebody to talk to me
I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
Think I've been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out I'm thinking about getting out
In all this time
The bottom line You dont know how much I feel
You say you see but I dont agree.
Dont know - dont know how I feel.
Just trying to get myself some gravity
You're just trying to get me to stay.
Sometimes I sit here Looking down upon Los Angeles
Sometimes I'm floating away
Thinkin about breaking myself
I'm thinking about getting back home
I think I've been waiting way to long
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out

~preformed by Counting Crows

Who ate the cupcakes and other funny tales

2007-05-05T23:44:00.000-04:00

I recently rearranged my box of an apartment so that my chair is next to the ledge attached to my kitchen counter which is supposed to be sort of my kitchen table. Anyway, Willow has decided this is a great way for him to get up on the counter top, so when i have been lazy and I leave food sitting out on the counter, he sneaks up there and eats it when i'm not looking. He's so smart! The other day, I came home for lunch and got out the cupcakes I had made a few nights before. I was in a hurry and i accidently left them on the counter, uncovered. When I came back from work at the end of the day, Willow had licked off all the frosting and had managed to capture one of the cupcakes in his mouth and carry into the living room, where i found it lying on the floor!! You gotta love a puppy who loves frosting :)

Indianapolis

2007-05-04T10:36:00.000-04:00

I am going to sing the praises of Indianapolis for a minute! First of all, my favorite thing about this city is that it is growing and learning and not yet stuck in the "we're such a big city and way too cool" mode. This year has started contruction on what is termed the "cultural trail" http://www.indyculturaltrail.info/. Basically it's this trail all through the city that connects the different areas of the city: The art district, the business district, the market district, so that people can easily ride bikes, skate, or walk anywhere they need to go within these districts. I, as one who really appreciates being able to walk most everywhere, love this idea! The stinky part: it's hard to walk anywhere when all the sidewalks are ripped out for construction.

Second, we have the colts... World Champions :)

the end!

On the road again

2007-05-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

It's hard to imagine that a year ago today I was on the long road trip out to Yellowstone National Park with the intentions of working until September. Oh, to be free from the daily grind and the concrete jungle ... and back on the road toward beauty and adventure just once more! I am longing for something a little greater than the monsterous buildings that rise up around me; something a little more peaceful than the blaring stereos and late night sirens; something slower paced than the whir of technology and the dizzing dance of life i am finding myself in. I want to return, not just in spirit, to the majestic beauty of the harsh, rugged mountains of the west... the place where it is not difficult to find myself craddled in the warmth of His tender touch; finally at peace.

Portrait

2007-05-02T18:26:00.000-04:00

My sweet, dear old art teacher presented me with three portraits he made of me! I was so touched.. and then a little horrified when i saw the last one (quite unflattering and utterly too horrific to display here) but i wanted to share the other two, here. You can judge the likeness for yourself!

Damien Rice - 9 Crimes

2007-05-02T18:01:00.001-04:00

Yeah! I'm so excited about my tickets to see Damien Rice this month! :)

Have you had one of those days?!

2007-05-02T17:22:00.001-04:00

I totally dig this band... my new favorite! I love this song and this video and it's totally my life right now! Enjoy!!

Come Visit!!

2007-05-01T22:52:00.000-04:00

I have a new blog... come see it!!!!

http://photoamature.blogspot.com/

cinnamon soldiers and that certain laugh

2007-03-14T23:24:00.000-04:00

today has been a royally crappy day. and the evening was more crap laid on crap. So, what did i do? i made cinnamon soldiers to cheer myself up... and ate them all, which if you aren't familiar with them, is basically eating a whole pie crust with cinnamon and sugar sprinked on top. I can just imagine how my thighs are crying out in glee!
and then i called my long lost friend, who always, without question, tells me what i don't want to hear and did just that tonight.. (oh, i love you!) but, my real reason for calling was to hear him laugh because for some reason, his laugh gives me a sense of relief and when i'm feeling depressed and disoriented, relief is just what i need! (thank you!)

2007-03-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

Some new poems. Tell me what you think... crappy or kinda good..??

1

i think i don't know it yet
but i will soon
and when i do
i think it will be amazing
and a complete shock
and not anything i would have expected at all
i can't wait, i think,
but i don't know yet.

2
i keep seeing them
all over town
in the streets with broken necks
in the grass with crooked wings
under bushes lying in shame.
i am angry, but only in afterthought.
i am startled, at first
mistaking it for a leaf
or stone
i don't understand
and i stare
and for a moment can see movement
on its breast.
and realize it is only the wind
dancing under his feathers.
i am upset
but why for just this simple,
lifeless mess of beak and cartlidge and
silky feathers?
i am upset
because it is death and death so
perverted and blatent
and i am unprepared.

3
climb into bed with me, my love
and kiss me sweetly-
tell me the story of our love
and then we'll dream....
of all the things we'll do.
and then
hold me
and laugh with me
and remind me that this
is fovever.

New Favorite

2007-03-05T21:11:00.000-05:00

My new favorite band is The Submarines! Totally check them out at www.thesubmarnies.com, you won't be disappointed. Here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Enjoy!

The Good Night

Without warning
I'm here alone again
High in the basement
Wondering what you meant by goodbye
Cause I stopped listening

You've got a way with words
Just sentiment without
Revealing how you feel
Or if you plan to live without me now

Good night baby if you can hear me
How long has it been
Since you came looking and saw
Me as I really am?

You've got a way with words
Just sentiment without
Revealing how you feel
And if you plan to live without me now

Then I should look up
And see if you're gone
No sense in pretending
Down here all alone
How could I fall when
I'm still underground?
But I can't admit where
We've gone wrong

Well I've already heard the truth
And what you thought I couldn't know
You talk pretty to a girl
But somehow you're already on your own

Good night baby
Good night baby
You got away with words
Just sentiment without
Revealing how you feel
And since you plan to live without me now
I'm on my own

Look out World!

2007-02-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

tears

2006-10-26T21:35:00.000-04:00

Something you said last night
took me by surprise
and painted an incredibly beautiful
and haunting portrait
of you,
one i've never seen before,
but will forever be in love with.
It's you,
weeping and frozen
standing waist deep
in a pool of swiftly moving river-
hating yourself
and begging for Grace
from a God who is ominously silent
except for the whispers bubbling up on the bank of the river.
It's you,
hopeless and desperate
with wet blue lips
and clothes so drenched they could be mistaken for skin.
You did something so simple and soft
and quiet-
a phone call to your dad (my heart is breaking)
with nothing in particular to say (except all the particulars in the world)
you talked
while the world was dark and chaotic around you
while the rain sent shivers through your soul,
you slowed down
and listened- to the love that created you.
And slowly
nothing around you changed
and the darkness you felt inside didn't leave
and the fear you had wasn't extinguished
and the confusion still couldn't be shaken
but
you saw something that changed the outcome,
something worth holding onto-that you knew held you.
You didn't lie down in the water and wash away.
You stepped onto the soaking, muddy earth
and surrendered to the knowledge that life
isn't sweet or kind
but it's rising and falling in your chest
and you need it
and you need moments like this
when tears well up in my eyes.

2006-10-25T18:15:00.000-04:00

have you ever noticed: it's so fun to watch people, but once you come into contact with some of them they instantly become jackasses. food for thought.

thanks

2006-10-17T22:24:00.000-04:00

Well, after a little over a week, i've only gotten one response on my blog....
So, i am dedicating my final post to you...
the one who encouraged me to write
and praised my efforts.
the one who made me laugh
when life really sucked.
the one who demanded more
than i was willing to give,
yet waited patiently.
to the one who traveled across the country
just to get sick and turn around,
but stuck it out as long as possible.
the one who let me get upset
and wouldn't say a thing.
thank you.

2006-10-11T16:04:00.000-04:00

hi. just wondering if anyone still reads this blog. if not, than i'm am officially shutting it down because although my life is so exciting right now, if no one wants to read about it, it's not worth posting. So, let me know if anyone still wants me to keep this going. Thanks

2006-10-02T21:24:00.000-04:00

life sucks

who is Jesus?

2006-09-30T22:30:00.000-04:00

I just watched this documentary called The God Who Wasn't There. It was created by this guy who grew up going to a Christian school, but has sense decided that Christianity is hogwash and has set out to prove that Christian's are fools and obviously don't know anything about Christian history or Christ himself.
I liked it.
And the reason i liked it is because it made me uncomfortable. It made me question my faith which is both a horrible and wonderful feeling. I am embarrassed to admit that I don't know the first thing about Christian History and I could not explain anything about Christianity with any depth or understanding.
I'm a shallow Christian.
And that is shameful.

2006-09-26T22:12:00.000-04:00

"there are two great lies that i’ve heard:“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him"
~derek webb A King and A Kingdom

****** for more awesome and thought provoking lyrics and music go to www.derekwebb.com or you can download Derek's new album Mockingbird at www.freederekwebb.com !!!

hummm..

2006-09-14T21:41:00.000-04:00

one thing i really hate...
having a moment, or day that seems so perfect and then realizing that even though it feels perfect it's only the moment or a day; nothing has really changed.

first days and bad decisions

2006-09-06T21:27:00.000-04:00

I started my new job today. it will be interesting and hopefully a lot less stressful than working at Four County. at least it will be 8-5 and salaried and three weeks vacation and free health benefits! i can walk to work too, which has to be the biggest bonus of them all. I met my new co-workers and they both seem very nice and just as confused as i am, which is good, because they just started too :) I did learn a very interesting tidbit about the building i will be working in. The building was built way back in the 1900's and used to be two seperate hotels which housed young professional women who came to indianapolis to work. It was mainly nurses and even a few doctors... which is strange since it was 1920. Anyway, one night a young female doctor was murdered in her hotel room. I don't know any details about the murder, except that it is a cold case and I'm going to do some research. The new property manager for the building will be living in the apartment where the woman was murdered, creepy isn't it? I hope he has some good stories to tell!

On another note, I met a homeless woman outside of my apartment tonight. We had a little conversation... she asked me for food and a pair of jeans and I listened to her talk about her life and how she wished she'd done things differently.. and then tell me that i should start having kids (random)! I told her that the Salvation Army was just down the street and they could get her food, a place to sleep, and some new clothes... and then she said she had to go. I always wonder when i encounter those situations if i'm doing the right thing. Should I have gone to my apartment and given her my bread, or an old pair of jeans? Is it a cop out to tell her about the neighborhood services and send her on her way? What would Jesus' response be? hummm....

Starting Over

2006-09-05T23:12:00.000-04:00

I'm finally settled for awhile, I think, so hopefully for any of you who are still interested in reading this post (and even if there isn't anyone) I'm going to try and get back on the blogging train. So, please join me on this long journey... we'll share some coffee and laughter and maybe even hug at the end!

i'm young... so sue me

2006-03-30T21:25:00.000-05:00

I know that life is more than just moving from place to place. I know I can't run away from my problems and I know that eventually life is going to require that I settle down into something, but can anyone one blame me for not wanting to settle down now? I mean, I'm young and I only have a few more years that I can move around without worrying about having a husband or a house or kids or a REAL job! Is it wrong to want to postpone those things for as long as i can?! Am i an alien??

Willow gets made!

2006-03-05T23:03:00.000-05:00

Willow got a much needed haircut and a brand new sweater. Isn't he the cutest puppy ever?!

simply simple

2006-02-28T23:13:00.000-05:00

i feel like i live a small life. i don't think that's a bad thing, but it feels like it sometimes. i don't think it feels small in the sense that it's not important, but small in the sense that it's simple and not a big production. i often envy people who live in big cities and have so much activity right at their finger-tips. the bright lights, the nosiy cars, the plays, shoppes, action, action, action... i get sucked in i get greedy and jealous and materialistic and then i can't breathe because i'm so bogged down by my selfishness.

i fight it. i fight the simplicity of the sunrise, a warm cup of coffe, fog rising over the pond, a songbird's melody... i fight it because i think that the world is bigger than that, but honestly there is nothing bigger than the simplicty of nature; what a contradiction.

Helen Keller was once quoted as saying "We can never do great things, only small things with great love" and i am finding out more and more how true this is. It's the small things, the small lives, the little attention to detail that really count in the end. I just never want my life to be so big, so jam-packed with activity or myself that i can't take the time to send a letter, or call a friend, or hug my family... because really, what's more important?

views from the windy city

2006-02-26T15:52:00.000-05:00

Angry no more.

2006-02-22T09:23:00.001-05:00

I've been dealing with a lot of anger lately. Not my own, really, although i do get angry from time to time! I'm talking more about other people's anger and i've been trying to understand the root of anger. And, I have formulated a hypothesis of sorts from my own short-sighted observations.
I see angry people all of the time in my work. I guess this is probably a no-brainer considering that I work for a counseling center... isn't that why people come for counseling anyway, because they are angry? I mean, you can mask the anger with anything: self-esteem issues, depression, bipolar disorder, disruptive behavior... but even though it may sound ignorant or simplistic, i'm convinced that anger sits right in the heart of all our problems. But, my question is why is there so much anger in the world? And, why does it get the best of us on most days?Anger rips our lives to shreds and milks us for all we are worth, and sometimes we don't even realize what is happening to us until it is too late and we've pushed everyone away, we've lost everything, we are all alone.
I'm not allowed to share stories from my work, because that would be a violation of privacy, obviously, but in my experience with my clients and with other people in my life I am beginning to believe that a lot of the anger that we experience in our lives can be traced back to the role our fathers played in our lives. (Stay with me here, this may be a bumpy ride, but I think you may find that I'm getting at something.)
I'm going to ask you to think back on your childhood and your relationship with your father, whatever that may have been. Some of you may not have had a father growing up, some of you may have had a father in the physical sense, but maybe you never knew him in an emotional way, maybe some of you had fathers who passed away in your early years, others of you had abusive fathers, or absentee fathers, or a phone call once a year from a man who called himself your father, but others still had fathers who were a working, living, breathing, present, loving figure in your life. Think about your father. What feelings are evoked in your heart? I may be totally stretching here, but I'm going to guess that when you look deep down, past all the superficial feelings, right there beside the love is a slow, burning ember of disappointment, frustration, possibly: anger.
Even if you think i'm completely full of it, keep reading. I have more to say.
The truth is, our father's play a enormous role in our lives. I dare say that even though a father's role in his son's life is much different than his daughter's life, that role is equally important. As young girls, our first impressions of love is that which we feel from our father. In his arms we feel safe, we seek to impress him, make him laugh, smile, take pride in us, we want to be "Daddy's little girl!" Little boys learn about love through their father too, learning how their father loves their mother. A father teaches his son to get dirty, play hard and work hard, dad and son are best buds, laughing and joking and loving and learning.
What happens when there is no father or when the father is too busy to play with his child, when the father manipulates the child, abuses the child, neglects the child... his child? I think what happens is an emptiness grows in place of the memories that could have been made. I think the emptiness grows so big that nothing can replace it no matter what is substituted because I think the emptiness is shaped like a dad. I think no matter how hard we try to hide the emptiness or deny that the emptiness exist or that we are hurt, the bigger the emptiness grows and the quicker it is replaced with bitterness, disappointment, depression, poor self-esteem; ultimately anger.
I know this theory is full of holes. I know that there are people who had absentee fathers or emotionally-absent fathers and seem to have it all together... never strayed off the perfect course laid out for them. And, there are lots of people who had wonderful, loving fathers, but are now locked in prison cells, or died an early death from a drug over-dose. But, my point is not that just because we had wonderful fathers we will be perfect, and without wonderful father's our life will fall apart. I think the point I am trying to make is that there is no denying that our fathers are a very important part of our lives. God made families for a reason. Dads have a big responsibility to their children, and it's obvious that that responsibility is quickly being taken for granted. I don't want to diminish the influence of our mothers, of course, they are our life force, but our dads.... there is nothing like a father's love.
We see it every day. A young man commits suicide, a child is molested, a women is raped, a teenager shoots his teacher and a couple students, a drunk driver murders two young girls and their mother, simple devastation. Anger.Ok, maybe I am ignorant and maybe I am putting too much pressure on fathers. But, isn't it about time? Grow up, be a real man... be real men. Your children need you. Your daughter is slitting her wrists, your son is knocking up his girlfriend, your wife is overworked and contemplating her own death, are you blind?
The bible says that we do not battle against flesh and blood, but against the powers of the dark world. That means that Satan is using the great influence that God blessed our father's with and whispering in the ears of men everywhere that it is ok to ignore the family, have sex and leave when she gets pregnant, beat that little baby who keeps crying, hide in alcohol, or work. And, look at the utter mess Satan has succeeded in creating. He has created generations of fatherless children, fatherless children with a lot of hidden anger.
I lied earlier when I said I haven't been dealing with my own anger. I have. And, I think if we are all truly honest with ourselves, somewhere inside you're dealing with it too. You know what, though? The great thing is anger isn't all bad, especially not when we use it to make change. We can't change our fathers or go back in time and re-make our childhood, but we can start dealing with the anger we have. Men, you can start working on becoming a good father. Women, you can start by praying for your husband, or by seeking men who hold the characteristics that will make a good father. Our past may have given us a slight disadvantage, but we still have the chance to "be the change [we] wish to see in the world". We can thank Ghandi for that one!

anger

2006-02-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

i really wanted to write a post about anger, but at this point in the day i'm just too damn tired. that makes me angry.
so, there you have it folks

i'm pretty fond of you, but geesh....

2006-02-05T15:13:00.000-05:00

Big green fat man
eating smelly yogurt
beside the almond shaped pool-
everyone staring
and wondering,
but no on mentioning a thing.

Little kids splashing
noiselessly across the pool
from the fat man-
now sunning his furry back

blond-haired plastic skinned dolls
slapping bronzed oil into their
already tanned skin
dodging glances from the fat, green man

sun kissing cheeks
and pinching fat green man's
bulging sausage limbs.

2006-01-17T00:11:00.000-05:00

couple questions:

1) why does milk sometimes give people gas?
2) why are there always more dishes to wash?
3) why am i so obsessed with celebrities?
4) what happened to Brittney spears?
5) who makes the rules when it comes to life?

just wondering!

Blessings and Well Wishes

2005-12-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

So, Mike and I survived our Christmas and I hope the rest of you did as well! Well, I hope you more than survived it, I hope that you were all surrounded by friends and family who love you and give good presents! And, I hope you all moved past the stress and long lines and crazy people and remembered why we do actually celebrate Christmas! (Even though i told Mike that I'm planning on changing religions by next Christmas so I don't have to buy gifts anymore!) But, in all seriousness, I hope all of your Christmases brought welcome surprises and a little peace and joy! I love you guys! (I love you too, baby Jesus)

P.S. Don't Mike and I make a better couple than Tom and Katie (pictured below)?!?!?!

2005-12-22T19:21:00.000-05:00

I love old people, they can be so random! Today I was rushing through Wal-Mart trying to get some last minute shopping done. I stopped by the magazine isle to see if i could find a specialty magazine for a gift. As I was standing there half browsing and half thinking of what else i needed to buy an older man approached and glanced at the magazines for a moment and then turned to me and pointed to US magazine which had an adorable picture of TomKat conoodling on the cover. "These young famous guys" the older man says "they can do whatever they want, they've got so much money. And her," he says motioning toward Katie Holmes, "I used to think she was the cutest little thing. All these movie stars, they get married and split up weeks later." Of course all this time i'm standing there politely agreeing with what he is saying wondering what in the world he is going to say next. And just when I think he is turning to leave, he looks at me and says, "I say all those movie stars are interested in is "shacking up". Leave it to those old men to say something you just wouldn't expect. Make him proud Tom and Katie!

Jones soda

2005-12-15T20:31:00.000-05:00

Everyone loves Jone's Soda, don't they? Go to jonessoda.com and vote for my picture to be on a soda label! Once you are on the website, go to labels and click on photo gallery. Then under search type in heather and i'm the only Heather from Rochester, IN! Thanks guys, you are the best!!

2005-12-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to show a couple pictures i've taken and finally uploaded onto the computer. Let me know what you think!!

Gas prices

2005-12-14T13:13:00.000-05:00

I just got my first gas bill today... and freak'n wow! I know that we, as a country, are in somewhat of a crisis with the whole gas thing, but what? are they trying to freeze us out because they know they can't just kill us? I live in a box and to keep this box warm... not even hot, ( i keep my thermostat at 63 degrees) it costs more than i spend on food each month! I guess i'm just going to have to turn off the heat all together and start wearing all of my clothes instead of the normal long-johns and three sweaters i already wear. So, those of you who see me on a regular basis, if you notice icicles hanging from my nose you'll know why! Happy freezing!!!

Today

2005-12-12T17:59:00.000-05:00

Today is
a"i feel worthless" day
a "i don't care what i eat, make me fat" day
a "even if i'm beauitful, i'm not" day
a "don't even start" day
a " is it over yet?" day
a "keeping laughing or i'll cry" day
a "even if i'm laughing i might be crying" day
a " go back to bed" day

I can't wait for tomorrow, I hope it's a
"i don't want this day to end" day!
(pretty please?!)

So much for better

2005-11-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

The second best thing to moving out of state is moving across town? Apparently I've fashioned this idea, and so far I'm not too amused by it. I mean, yes, it is so much better living on my own in my own little house with my own things and not having to sneak into my parents house at 1 am worried that they will be asking me where I was. But, honestly, I have no reason to be out at 1 am in the first place. It's not like there is a hopping night life here in Rochester, or that I really have anyone to go out with to begin with. So, can you tell i'm really enjoying myself?!
It seems like too often in my life i've been disappointed. I'm not sure if this is a byproduct of over-exaggerated expectation, or just a running theme for me. I know i've writen about this previously, but i am constantly amazed at my lack of excitement about what I thought might make me truely excited. I just don't want to continue through life on the "disappointment train" how awful would that be? Maybe it's my whole outlook on life. I expect a lot out of BIG decisions or changes, when it's really the little things that get me going. And maybe that is how life is really supposed to be. I celebrated more over the fact that my puppy went for a whole week without pooping or peeing in the house than i did over actually moving. Which is more important?
Life is a mystery... I don't know why I sometimes feel a certain way when i think I should feel something else. Hmmmm....

2005-10-18T22:17:00.000-05:00

Mike and I want to move away, but we have no idea where to start, any suggestions? We have a general area that we want to live in, but the searching for apartments and jobs is such a pain. I've never moved to a new place and had nowhere to live or no one to know. It's a little stressful!

Baby

2005-10-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

2005-09-28T13:27:00.000-05:00

2005-09-28T13:25:00.000-05:00

Prayer

2005-09-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do i really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And i hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~Thomas Merton Through the Year with Thomas Merton

2005-09-06T00:16:00.000-05:00

step into the mouth of those lonely dreams
and be swallowed up in their honesty,
the searching is over.
untie the harness of expectation
relax in the arms of freedom
what you seek can be found
listen.

What's the Attraction?

2005-08-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

I must admit, I'm jealous. In all my surfing across the great wide cyber space i've come to notice that there are certain people who gain more attention just because of their beauty. They could be the dumbest people in the entire world and would not even be noticed if not for their beautiful hair and flawless skin, perfect makeup and fashion sense. Of course this isn't just true online, but anywhere one would find oneself, and I know this is an age-old problem... the beautiful girls are always picked over the plain looking ones even if they have no personality. So, why is this just beginning to bother me now?! And why should it bother me at all? I have a boyfriend who adores me, thinks i'm beautiful and funny (sometimes)... so the attention that other girls get shouldn't bother me, right? WRONG.

I guess I'm going to have to be brutally honest here. I secretly want to be the most attractive person in the world... there, i admitted it! I secretly want guys to gush over me and drop anything and everything so that I am happy. And, i secretly become jealous and insecure when I see that happening with other girls and not with me. Oh, the agony of being a woman with the fatal flaw of comparison, but girls, aren't we all guilty of it?! Fearful that we will loose our boyfriends or husbands to that beautiful girl in his office or the supermodel on those cheesy Victoria Secret commercials? Because, let's face it... some of us are just the "great personality" girls and there is definitely competition out there. So, how do I prevent myself from feeling that way? How do i teach myself to be content with myself and my looks? Well, i guess if i knew that answer I'd be rich.

Consequently I am glad that I don't have guys flocking around me... it would be difficult to have to turn them all down, and I think Mike might get a little annoyed by that! (hehe!)

Introducing....

2005-08-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

Everyone.... meet Mike!
So, i finally decided that it's about time everyone met my fabulous boyfriend! Especially since i've written several posts about him, i thought it would be nice for all of you to put a face with a name.. So... here he is, and kissing all of you as well! He's just sooo loving!
I'm glad you all have formally met now, because i'm sure you will be hearing a lot more about him from now on. (p.s. this picture is kinda old... circa last year or something??? mike is too good to have his picture taken with me, so i would post one with the two of us, but i don't own one.... (i love you, honey!) )

Hey, come on in

2005-08-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

I have this weird thing about imagining what other people's lives are like.. this might explain my obsession with reality tv. I can met these people and then see exactly what their life is like without ever coming into contact with them. Anyway, I talk to someone, or meet someone, or see someone on the street and my mind starts driffting into what their life is like. I start to imagine them going home.. what does their house look like? What is their decorating style? What will they do when they get home? Then I imagine how they intereact with others... do they laugh alot? Are they mean to their spouse or significant other? What is really going on behind there eyes? Are they having financial difficulties? I think you get the picture. The point is, i think it's really strange that I do this. I feel a little silly and crazy! I think, though, that i do it because i'm curious about other people's lives because it gives me a chance to step out of my own life for a little while... which can either be good or bad. I tend to over romanticize other people's lives, but i don't think i am alone in that... I think it's only human to think that the grass is always greener on the neighbor's side of the fence, but that doesn't mean that it's right. And, i hate being that way because then i forget to appreciate the wonderful things that i have in my life.... like a good job, my health, my youth, and people who love me.
Well, anyway.... let me know if any of you ever wants to know how i invision your lives... you might just realize that the grass really is greener on your side!!

We may not have Wilson, but at least we have each other

2005-08-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

Mike and I had our first REAL fight today. That probably isn't something that should be announced to the blogging community, but i just want to talk about it for a moment.
I made a mistake... correction, i made a major mistake. I did something I knew was wrong and I knew it would make Mike upset, but i did it anyway. I was thinking about myself and not really caring how it would make him feel. That was my second mistake. I also completely under-estimated how upset he would be with me... which in all actuality shouldn't have mattered, the minute i thought that it would upset him should have been the minute i stopped considering doing it. Unfortunately i am completely and utterly selfish and I had no regard for anyone but myself. Damn me.
Mike was really upset with me, we both said some things that we didn't really mean.. and we wasted a lot of time arguing over stupid points. I hate fighting... i hate trying to be mean and stubborn and difficult because it is exhausting! But, as much as i hate fighting, the process always brings me to the realization that true love can make it through anything. Mike is amazing and wonderful and more than i deserve... he knows with i need a swift kick in the ass! He puts me in my place even though i fight hard against it. He lets me kick and scream and exhaust myself and then he brings me back to the reality.. the truth at hand. This time he was the innocent one and i kept pointing my finger at him.. he didn't let me get away with that. He is quick to forgive, where i'm often quick to condemn... calmly answering me when i interrigate him.
It's hard for me sometimes, i don't always feel like i measure up.. i don't always feel good about my past and some of the baggage i have brought into our relationship. Sometimes i feel like i'm failing over and over and will contine to fail. And then i wake up and realize that's absolutely true... i'm human. However, Mike has a way of erasing all of that self-doubt, a way of making my mistakes look beautiful because they bring us one step closer to each other. I love this about him!
I love him! How could i possibly be so lucky?

**Mike, thank you for not giving up on me... i love you!***

ASIDE:
tonight i found a flesh colored fungus growing in our front yard... i kid you not, it looks like a penis. if i was computer savy, i'd post a picture of it! (thought you all needed to know!)

expectations and obligations

2005-08-10T09:27:00.000-05:00

I really have a hard time disappointing people. I'm no good at it. If someone asks me to do something for them and i really have no "good" excuse not to, i generally do it even if i don't want to do it at all. I think this may be a problem because sometimes i can get myself into some sticky situations... not being able to say "NO" and all. For the most part, however, i only get asked to do things that are inconvenient for me... such as go out of my way to get milk for a friend because she left it at her mom's house and doesn't want to waste it. But anyway...

My real point is that every person in my life has a certain set of expectations for me. My parents expect me to get a good job and make a good life for myself... just as i expect these same things from myself, but they have a different "idea" of how i should go about fulfilling those expectations. My friends expect me to lend a listening ear and spend time with them... and i see no problem with that, except when they want me to devote the entire week to their "needs". (not that any of them really do this... but you get my point). My boyfriend has various expectations of his own... mostly the same expectations i have for him but obviously varied due to gender. My job, my church, my co-workers, my clients... they all have expectations of me and sometimes i just want to scream!!

I am a people pleaser and like i mentioned before, i will do most anything to make people happy, even if it requires me to lose a little of myself in the process. I feel obligated to people. I think, "if i don't help them, who will" so i sometimes take on the "burdens of the world" because i think i'm the only one who can. I know in my heart that this is not true, but tell that to my head.

Lately i have been feeling stretched. I don't want to go into all of it here, but i'm beginning to realize that in order to be truly happy, i have to be true to myself. Some people have expectations for me which far exceed any that i have for myself... because either they don't quite know who i am or because they can only see my situation from a narrow perspective. Either way, it's not fair for me to have to feel obligated to fulfill their expectations only because they are important in my life. I want those people to love me, but will they really deny me love because i don't meet their expectations? Maybe their expectations are grandiose and are impossible to reach, not only for me, but for anyone... or maybe i am placing too much importance on making other people happy, when in actuality, the only way i can make others happy is by first being happy myself. If i am stretched and drained and wearing thin... i can do no good for anyone.

"To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you that you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." ~Robert Louis Stevenson

not so perfect

2005-08-01T17:41:00.000-05:00

have you ever realized that sometimes, without even knowing it, we attach a ton of expectation to certain things and there is no way that those things could possibly live up to all the expectation. I know this in my head, but I am constantly forgetting it. i forgot it this past weekend when my boyfriend and i embarked on our first "mini-break" (as they say in England) as boyfriend and girlfriend. We had been planning our trip to Chicago for about a month... i was so excited to experience big city life with my new boyfriend! everything was planned perfectly in my head.. a nice romantic dinner, walking through the city at night, laughing and holding hands during the day as we wandered through museums or walked through the streets people watching. I envisioned us having intelligent conversations about the price of tea in Europe.... in short, i imagined that we were two completely different people. Apparently when i dreamed everything up in my head, i failed to insert the two key players, Mike and myself! I should realize by now that the moment i think that things are perfect is the moment that inevitably something will piss me off. Suffice it to say, things were not perfect and I think Mike and I fought more in one day than we've fought in the seven months that we've known each other. Although, i have to admit that most of the arguments were my fault.

Really, things weren't as bad as i make them out to be it's just that the actual weekend didn't go the way i'd planned. We did have a nice time... we did enjoy each other's company and the sites of the city. We had the romantic dinner and the laughing and holding hands while walking through the streets... but there were also moments of complete frustration. I'm learning that this is pretty normal. No couple is perfect, no person is perfect... and besides, what fun would it be if you didn't disagree? What would you learn about each other? I did learn that Mike is a trooper.. Completely patient with my shenanigans and sometimes ridiculously sour moods. He is concerned and willing to hear my side of things... even when i don't deserve to be listened to because i am being completely outrageous. For this i am so thankful... he is beyond my expectations! (thank you, love).

Our next vacation will hopefully hold no expectation... (is that possible?)

lack of motivation begets lack of motivation

2005-07-27T16:39:00.000-05:00

i'm less than motivated. i think i've worked a total of 10 hours this entire week. the rest of the time has been spent emailing, looking for places to live, looking for new jobs, talking to co-workers, and staring at the wall. Whoever thought it would be helpful adding the internet to our offices obviously had more confidence in me and my co-workers than we should really be given. I hate that i can become so easily distracted, because it isn't just at work that this happens, it seeps into my "outside work" life as well. It pokes its head into my relationships, my free time, and my hobbies and at the end of the week i can safely look back and realize i haven't accomplished anything. Were did my work ethic go? Where did my pride in my work go? am i just a product of a lacksidasical generation? i don't want my kids to look at me one day and say "gee mommy, you're lazy". this really scares me, but horrible as it is, it doesn't scare me enough to get my butt in gear. Any suggestions to mop away the "lack of motivation" blues??

You almost died vicarioulsy through me

2005-07-27T11:08:00.000-05:00

I had the closest brush with death this morning. I was driving to work completely zoned out and with my music blasting so really, none of my senses were working at the time. I'd just like to say that it's not very good when you get to the point where you know a drive so well that you could drive it with your eyes closed because then every time you drive it you are basically driving it with your eyes closed. But anyway. On my drive, just before I reach my place of employment, I have to cross a railroad track. As a general rule, the train schedule is pretty unpredictable, at least to me... the one who doesn't pay much attention. I could arrive the same time every day and only be stopped once by the train, yet for some reason when i cross the track a different time every day there is always a train. The point being, i can't count on the train, and if i could, i wouldn't have seen my life flash before my eyes this morning. Back to the story: as i approached the tracks in my tiny Ford Focus, that would colapse and crush me if ever hit by a train traveling at any speed, i noticed that the red light on the crossing sign was flashing. Ok, wait, let me back up. I shouldn't actually use the word "approached" or the word "noticed". Those words are too calm for the story. What actually happend was I was in the middle of the three-track crossing when i realized with complete horror that the lights were flashing and the arms were coming down on me. And when i "calmly" glanced to my right i was shocked to come face to face with a moving train!! I think my heart stopped beating for several seconds until my head cleared and i jetted off the tracks. I glanced in my review mirror in time to watch the cargo train zoom past, and i took a deep breath just to make sure i was still alive.

I guess that expericence made me realize that life is too short to be wasted working... what's really important in life is making sure my blog is updated! I promise i'll be more faithfull :)

would it be alright if i didn't try

2005-06-20T23:06:00.000-05:00

i have been so eager to not try, lately. i feel like such a slacker. I just feel a little disoriented and disorganized, my life seems to have become so hectic lately. I'm just not used to this! I keep thinking, "where did all my time go"? I remember when i used to have too much time and I would write letters and read books and keep up with my correspondence, but i haven't had much time for those things lately.

But, back to the not trying thing... so, yeah, i just don't feel like accomplishing much of anything, i'm just kind of gliding along without really having a clear direction. Very unwise, i know, but this is just how i am right now. So unmotivated and maybe a little depressed.. which is always the culprit behind my messy room and unkempt appearance. Everything is moving so quickly, and i just haven't had the time to catch-up.. i feel a little lost which makes me even less willing to try. I'm lazy. If i were an animal I would be a hibernating bear.

"What a big baby, won't somebody save me Please?"

2005-06-12T22:45:00.000-05:00

Just an update on my life for all two of my faithful readers (who basically already know any updates in my life anyway!)

1) On Monday i bought a new puppy! His name is Willow and he is the most adorable thing i've ever laid eyes on. He's a Yorkshire Terrier and so laid back and well-mannered i sometimes forget that he is there! Willow has managed to squeaze his way into the hearts of my family members as well as into the heart of Mike who has lovingly agreed to be partial caretaker when no one is avaliable to watch Willow!

2)I've been spending a lot of time with Mike lately, which i think might only be because he loves Willow so much, but regardless of the reasons, I've enjoyed every moment of it!

3) I started a new job in Peru, IN and I'm really enjoying it! It's really been challenging for me and I feel as though I'm in a place where i'm starting to accomplish something that might have some lasting affect. This is very exciting for me!!

4) I'm dying to move out of my house! Now that I have new puppy, I'm looking desperatly for a place of my own. I love my family, but i'm 24 now and need to be on my own again.

5) and Last but not least, It's finally summer and I just love it! Today I walked out into one of the first summer rains of the year and i just wanted to cry... summer makes me so happy!!

That's all for now, Folks..

Even on an average day, Extraodinary things can happen

2005-05-26T23:05:00.000-05:00

Be
if you must
more than brilliant words on a page
or simple voices over wires
be LIFE

Be
for my sake
truth personified
and reality exemplified
be HONESTY

Be
if you dare
more than a goodnight kiss
or an intensity of grip
be LOVE

Be
i beg you
the hidden key
an oasis on a deserted highway
be MINE

Alas, my dear friends.. where have you gone?

2005-05-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

just thinking about friends.
i have traveled so much in my little life and have been fortunate enough to make wonderful friends around ever turn... so how unfortunate it is that i have misplaced all of my friends, and that the only place that i end up landing in for more than a year is the place where i am completely void of real, steadfast, enriching friendships... i miss you, friends.

Communication, HA!

2005-05-22T13:13:00.000-05:00

I SUCK at communication, and i don't think that is a real big secret to anyone who has known me longer than a couple of weeks. I don't know what it is, but i just cannot express myself through spoken word. I sputter and stumble over what I am really trying to say and rarely sucessfully say exactly what I mean. Read anything I write and mostly likely it will make perfect sense, but ask me a question and don't expect anything intelligent or profound to escape my lips. I ultimately am persistantly making an ass out of myself while trying to come off confident and self-assured, grrrr.....

2005-05-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

My giggly girl!

Open Your Eyes

2005-05-10T20:56:00.000-05:00

My senior year of college was one of the worst years in my life. I didn't really see it coming; i thought my life was looking pretty hopeful. Everything was so perfect and then i blinked. My life began unraveling... like a snag in my skin caught the edge of disaster and left me; skin, bones, and all in a pile on the ground... waiting.

i lost myself that year. i fell into a deep depression, i wallowed in my pain and despair. i was blinded and jaded by the circumstances i found myself in. i walked around in a haze and it's difficult now to remember any days that year when the sun actually shone... cloudy, rainy, gloomy days are all i can recall. I cried all the time, i would go for months without having a full night sleep... my grades dropped, my class attendance dropped, and the amount of time i spent lying in bed in the dark increased. I lost weight, i was in a constant state of tired...nothing motivated me, nothing made me happy. i became a ghost of a person, i hated what i became. And my disappointment in myself only increased my depression.

I could feel myself slipping further and futher away from reality. i was living an internal life, eating myself from the inside out by the lies i fed myself. Sometimes your worst enemy can be yourself... i had become my worst enemy.

one morning, i was sitting in chapel alone, inwardly scorning my fellow students yet desperately hoping that one of them would notice my despair and help me up. in my depression, i had grown cynical about the church and God. i didn't see the point in worshiping a God who allowed my pain to grow so deep... i didn't blame God for what was happening to me, but i did question his Authority and Power. and the idea that maybe God didn't hold the power and authority that i grew up believing He did was more shattering to me than the thought that he was punishing me somehow. The chapel service was coming to a close and i had not heard one single word that had been said but, as the announcements were read something caught my attention. A trip to Bulgaria to work with severely handicapped children in an orphanage was scheduled for that summer.

for years my dream had been to open an orphanage of my own. my plan at the beginning of my college career was to become a nurse so that i could be a missionary in an orphanage.. when i realized that chemistry and microbiology were not my strengths, i changed my degree to Human Services thinking that one day i'd become a missionary and work with handicapped children overseas. So, when i heard about this trip i knew that i had to go. i went to an introduction meeting and i was sold! i called my dad and told him that i really wanted to do this, but i needed money... and for the first time that i can remember, he was thrilled to pay for me to serve.

I knew my life was anything but spiritual... my prayer life consisted of threats made to God and my devotional life was practically non-existent... but i glossed my cynicism and doubts over with all the right words and spiritual lingo. i grew up in the church and certainly knew how to speak "church"... but it was my heart i was worried about. i remember nights before my trip when i would cry out to God, pleading for a soft heart, a willingness to be broken. i didn't want to fail, i didn't want my selfishness to get in the way of what God might do, and how God might work.

Fast forward. Yesterday, memories of Bulgaria flooded back to me. i dug around my closet and drug out pictures and pictures of faces.. Experiences.. miracles. i felt my heart breaking all over again as i remembered the voices and laughter and smells of the orphanage. the deep despair which was as heavy as lead in every room we entered... but was soon replaced with laughter and joy as we exited two weeks later.

It's ironic to me that the hardest year of my life could be followed by the hardest lesson of my life, but i guess it shouldn't be ironic. My trip to Bulgaria did not heal the brokenness and despair in my heart, it did not make my life any less confusing, it did not change my circumstances. It did, however take me to a place far outside of myself... it broke me even more, so much so, that for once God could seep into my heart a little. i struggled, i wept, i ached but this time i wasn't doing this for myself... i was seeing that my world is so much bigger than me. I stood face to face with the ugliest of conditions of life and i sat down in the urine. I held a man my own age in my arms... because he was no bigger than my 10 year old brother. i saw suffering and i saw joy amist the suffering. And i saw myself selfish and prideful being used despite my selfishness and pride.

The point of taking a missions trip is to give something away.. to give your time and money and expertise in order to help a group of people... to allow God to work through you and hopefully he will graciously allow the efforts of the team to have some kind of impact. But, it is an incredibly humbling experience walking away from the trip feeling as though you have received more than you gave... feeling like the lessons you learned, the people you came in contact with, the gentle words that were spoken to you had deeper meaning and changed your heart more than you could ever have imagined.

Bulgaria taught me to open my eyes. When i came home my situation in life was the same as when i'd left, but my outlook was enormously altered. i could see, i could feel, i could move around outside of who i was. I wish i could say that my selfishness ceased, but that would be a lie. Months later i morphed back into the old me. I grabbed hold of my cynicism again and sank back into the same old sins and selfishness. But, there are amazing moments in my life when i drift back to the orphanage and i remember the children and the lessons they taught me and the hugs they gave me and the tears we cried together and i breathe and thank God that i can open my eyes.

Only a Stone's Throw

2005-04-29T10:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the people who are supposed to be the most loving, forgiving, and understanding people are the ones who hate, judge, and refuse to admit their own shortcomings and failures. In the Bible, these people where the Pharisees, the pious and religious do-gooders who clung too tightly to the rules and laws of the prophets. They never could understand that the rules were set up as guidelines for a righteous life, not a straight-edge for perfection. I clearly see where they went astray and how they because so tight-assed in the first place and I cannot fault them for doing so, because i am extremely guilty of it myself. I have stood straight and condemned the broken and bleeding; telling them how ugly and filthy they appear before God... unaware of the filth and wretchedness painting my own soul. I have felt righteous and good, vainly. I have wrinkled my nose at the sincerity of confession and later mocked the tears and weeping of a truly repentant heart. I am guilty, guilty. i am not deserving, i am not worthy. And yet i am loved, i am forgiven. Amazing Grace.

I think once i found myself on the receiving end of this phariseedical judgment, it became much easier to step outside of myself and realize what I had been doing all along. Instead of helping people by condemning them, which ironically was my held belief and not at all a theme in scripture when it came to Jesus, I needed to love them where they were, keep my mouth shut and extend my hand, or my arms.. whichever the situation called for. Wow, what a concept, really. What a lost art, what an extremely difficult task. It is so much easier to spout off religiosity than to actually love.

Aside from the story of the Cross; the most poignant depiction of love, of Amazing Grace, to me, is found in John 8: 3-11. This section of scripture is well known and quoted often, but i am constantly returning to it knowing that i have walked in the shoes of both characters; the Pharisees, and the woman. And i believe that Jesus' final words to the women where not spoken only to her, but to the Pharisees as well, if they would only listen. The words are a promise "Neither do I condemn you", and a pleading "From now on, sin no more".

I'm stepping down from my soapbox now, and i'll end this entry with a poem inspired by this passage and taken from the woman's point of view.

throw that rock to the ground
for you are no better
your words may be slathered in spirituality
but if you throw that at me-
your heart has not felt the change.
your eyes tell the deeper truth
that you, too, have stood in my shoes.
you are afraid to face me because i represent
what lives within you
i have failed you, but you will fail yourself
if you don't take a closer look.
i hurt as much as you-we are the same
broken-both deserving the same stone
but HE refuses to throw it
HE will not condemn us, only love.
now will you see?

help me to love, even when it is easier to condemn.

Confessions and Questions from a Cynical Romantic

2005-04-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking about love, Eros more specifically, and how it is possible. i am constantly having questions about love, but they have come very urgently as of late. mostly, i'm sure, because i have several friends who have recently gotten engaged and married. i always have mixed feelings about this: i am elated that my friends are happy, in love, and anticipating a life spent with their "better half"... then there is this nagging part of me which questions love. i have always had a horrible doubt that this wonderful romantic idea that two people could love each other, adore each other for a lifetime is only a myth. And, i feel very bitter and cynical because i think this.
i guess my cynicism springs from my own experience with love, or pseudo-love; which ever it really was, and i hate that it clouds my vision and possibly my ability to love. i dated someone for almost six years and i never seemed to get the love thing right. there were days i thought i loved him, i pushed myself to love him, i fooled myself into believing i loved him... and so, i loved him. does love have to be forced? i don't think so, but i think sometimes people want so much to be loved, or make love work that they force themselves to love. the more i forced myself to love, the more i started to believe that i actually loved him and the further i stepped away from the truth. this is a scary place to be.. because a lie can so much look like the truth.
but, i also think there is some truth to the idea that sometimes we have to force ourselves to love. right? or have i completely missed the point? doesn't love sometimes require a push? doesn't love go through a funk when the feeling just isn't there anymore, when two people just have to go through the motions in order to make it work? does love really have to be like that?
i want the kind of love that Romeo and Juliet had... the kind of love that is so passionate it ignores the warnings and pushes full force into death.. the kind of love that burns. but, i also want love that aches, that is raw and awful and painfully real. love that is messy and erratic and hopefully desperate. even more, i want love that is soft and patient, love that holds on and laughs, love that cherishes and adores. Can love be all of these things? Should love be all of these things?
love is a mystery to me... and maybe it will always be. and maybe that's the key to it all, that no one will ever know completely how love is supposed to be. so, how will we know when we find it? how will we know it's the real thing?
i want to stop questioning. tell me your story, tell me your heartaches and your experience.. i want to learn you. maybe this is love.

the answer will come

2005-04-23T21:51:00.000-05:00

I am, inadvertently, letting my life be sucked from me. Is that possible? Have you ever gone so far and then realized you are not at all where you meant to be? How did I get here? What steps did i take, or fail to take, that led me to this point? I feel as though I have completely lost sight of who I am. The real me and the false me are juxtaposed; mingling breath, dancing, flirting with each other in hopes of birthing a version of myself which is less complicated and more refined. But, i am failing. And, i should be failing.
Lately i have found myself so unreal. i keep staring in the mirror wandering who it is staring back at me. I do not recognize these cloudy eyes, these broken smiles, these vacant glances which are reflected back at me. I am compromised. But how?
do you know who you are?

Oh Rapturous Delight

2005-04-19T21:11:00.000-05:00

Spring is bursting out of every corner and my soul is beginning to creep out of the dark, rotting hell in which it has been withering.
i can breathe again, ahhh.
it is amazing how a simple season can bring such hope and expectation. the long winter is passing.. behold the newness of earth, the sweet smell of blossoms, the beauty of clear blue and shimmering gold! AMAZING.
the beauty overwhelms me and i cannot help but stop and stare. i can see the temptation to worship nature.. it is so miraculous; where only yesterday there was a naked tree limb, today produces a cluster of fragrant petals!
i am in love, giddy as a school girl.. and i cannot help but selfishly feel this beauty is somehow created for me!

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
~e.e.cummings

thank you, God... oh thank you for spring!!

may my heart

2005-04-14T18:46:00.000-05:00

may my heart always be open to little birds
who are the secret of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are
old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's a Sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are never young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

e.e.cummings

Oh Lovely Day!

2005-04-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

Great things are always happening to me! On Sunday i hung out with some people in Warsaw and we played Sand volleyball. I suck at it! And i hurt my wrist. i hit the ball and my wrist started burning, so i looked down and in like half a second my wrist had swelled twice its normal size! i didn't think that was really supposed to happen, but when i showed Matt he didn't seem too concerned about it, so i kept playing.
Today is Tuesday and it's still swollen, is that a problem?! It looks pretty too... lots of green and blue bruises. i'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow, i guess. All of my deepest desires are coming true!!
But, some actual good things did happen today.. I didn't have to pay for Napoleon Dynamite because they had it at the library, yippie!! And, i heard from an old travel companion whom has been absent for several years... you know who you are :)!

losing

2005-04-07T18:50:00.000-05:00

i cannot see you;
beyond my tears you are so blurred-
and i cannot be sure to what direction you are turning
and my weeping heart gaps open
bleeding

i cannot hear you;
within my own head screams of betrayal overtake you-
and i cannot be sure who i can really trust
and what failure i will release
if it's you

thoughts on that

2005-04-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

it's my birthday tomorrow. i totally hate birthdays! i'm not exactly sure why but i always expect that something great will happen on my birthday.. i'll get some great surprise that i wasn't anticipating at all or my long lost friends will call me up and say they are in town just for my birthday! It never happens though, and it's always disappointing. It shouldn't be, i should just be happy that i've made it to another year and i have a family that loves me and friends who make me happy more often than disappoint me, but yet, there is still that small, but nagging feeling of wanting something more.

i'm going to be twenty-four. that sounds so old to me! i can just picture my seven-year-old self staring up at it's twenty-four-year-old future self asking "who are you? that's what i'm going to be in seventeen years?" (i hope i'm not a disappointment!)
I think i'm doing alright. the past twenty-three years have been a mishmash of trying and learning and living and failing and breaking and re-making. I am becoming so much so quickly, and nothing so slowly. And, i think that i am right where i am supposed to be. Right in the middle of confusion and chaos... yet so much peace and confirmation. I can't wait for what i'll become at twenty-four... i have a feeling it will be grand!

meditations ~

2005-03-27T22:22:00.000-05:00

When I am alone
to myself i call
in quiet meditations-
recalling the lost memories
of years past,
time known only to myself.
i examine the inside of this battered,
weak, and trembling heart
trying to find some reason for this time-
this moment alone.
smiling, i breathe, relax
and enjoy time, eternity gone by
and remaining
thinking of how i was and will be-
today, tomorrow, forever
changing.
i don't want to forget-
i always want to hold to this time
that i capture only for myself
and memories.

2005-03-24T20:08:00.000-05:00

TRYING

could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
just a little while
to see if your human after all

honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read
I'm just trying
to find my way
the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
and if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you and
trying to find my way

~Lifehouse